But with more scheduling and perhaps busier roads and less societal tolerance for kids walking somewhere by themselves, maybe the amount of arranging that a kid can take on at a given age and ability level has decreased. My neighbors friends all seem to find a perfect place to park while going in to get their friends: RIGHT THE HELL IN FRONT OF MY DRIVEWAY SO THAT I HAVE TO DO SOME WEIRD STEERING WHEEL MANEUVERING TO PARK MY DAMN CAR. Like, if shes playing with toys in a waiting room and we have to go, I dont say, so, are you ready? because of course she isnt. *Finally, weve talked about what to do if someone seems open to making plans initially, but you never actually seem to make plans, and this seems like a good time to review it. (Very few Family have any known genetic relationship to me.). Offer him an idea or a suggestion on what to do or what you would like to do at his residence. Wait for me to open the door and join you. Also, hard as it may be to swallow, sometimes the person we think of as our best friend doesnt consider us to be *their* best friend. 26) My car is broken. Id never get out of my car and go up to someones door when I havent been specifically invited; that would be really rude to me. That wouldnt have occurred to me unless my friends were in the habit of trying to sell me things. Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. He will get the point. I poured out my heart. This particular aspect of socialising is difficult for everyone so I hope LW doesnt get down on themselves about it. I try to make it clear in my texts that the visit is (a) optional and (b) short duration. Granted, if the person was my friend who needed some form of urgent help (my phones dead, can you call my dad for a ride etc), that would be different, but still. At what point is it OK to ask T over for another playdate? If the guy were my boyfriend, not just someone Id gone on a few dates with, it would either be fine or, if Id wanted to do something before everyone came over, mildly annoying. Tbh from what I see on YouTube, it's kind of normal to ask if you can come over to hang out. Without telling us?). You might also find out what his favorite type of movie is and maybe find it on Netflix or disney+, then ask if you can watch it at his house. I probably will teach him to invite friends over the phone eventually, but my guess is that it will be one or two years before he is ready to start it. i hear you, and i for sure do not think you should have to explain to people why you do not want them glued to your side at all times. (Never again!). I dont even know how to make polite noises. Both times, I got essentially a cant this weekend, sorry. (I think once it was out of town, and the other was busy for some reason.) 10 minutes? I think Im so hung up on this(and really, I am; I obsess over it) because when I was a teenager, I was quite unpopular. I suppose if someone REALLY didnt want to go away I could also let the dogs outside, but that seems more antisocial than is necessary. You could also go to a bar closer to his house and act a little tipsy and call him up saying you are a bit tipsy and dont feel too comfortable driving home in this situation and you can sober up at his house for a little while then go home later. It seems like every time Im breastfeeding the baby topless I hear my MIL calling, hello? from upstairs. I used to live in a house with several friends that was considered a party house, so we had random people dropping by all the time, and it was never really locked, as there was always someone there. I sort of wish being not in to company was still a thing one could do without being seen as a huge asshole. Speaking for myself, personally, a same day text or phone call that says Im going to be in your area, are you free to hang out later for a bit? from a friend is more than fine but an unannounced and unexpected knock on my door, like, Hi, Im already here here to hang out with you! is pretty strange. So many different points of view in the comments! Let that one go, ok? If it werent for the fact that shes very understanding about how introverted I am it would bug the hell out of me, and if we werent close friends if probably be mysteriously perma-busy after a few occasions of this (after trying Use Your Words, depending on how much I cared about the friendship.) For my part, since most of my friends are similar, I try to make a habit of going, hey, do you want advice here, or are you just venting?. I have close friends who are cool with people texting them and saying hey Im around are you at home to guests and then coming over if the answer is yes. captain awkward i found these tips really helpful, thank you . Remember to be also clear about when you intend to arrive and take your leave so that he does not feel bombarded. I dont know whyyou can ask if you wantbut shes sending a lot of signals that suggest I dont want us to be as close as we used to be. So that probably contributed to why she was unhappy with you showing up at her doorstop; she was trying to distance herself from you and you tried to force intimacy. 1.4. If its an emergency situation or a hey I remembered that I borrowed this from you or that you wanted to borrow this so I thought Id drop it off and then get back on my way Im ok with it. For example if someone is hosting a small dinner party, you probably shouldn't ask if you could attend at the last minute. A lot of people have an opinion on whether it's okay for someone to invite themselves to an event or not. Were in a cultural phase where Are we still on for tonight? is an actual question people text you 15 minutes before youre supposed to meet them. Any self-respecting grownup should have mouthwash and face-wash readily available for exactly these types of situations (and hopefully for themselves on any other normal night). maybe shes going through something that has nothing to do with the LW and needs space from everyone! If one is expecting the host to do all the work, thats just lazy and rude IMO. Im just better at saying No, this isnt a good time, Ill catch you online later, bye now! I had a best friend from grade school straight through college. When someone is yelling at you and trying to hurt you with sarcasm, it is because they have chosen to respond in a hurtful manner. So go her! Dont demand. I have a particular set of habits, displayed personality traits, etc. Its at 7.30 on Thurs if youre still interested?* But no actual arrangement has been made just because both people have expressed interest in the concept of going. Guess divide, and all of the yes! Thats one culturally-specific example, and I dont want it to create a spiral of you/everyone-who-reads-this second-guessing the reality of everyones invitations, but I think there is something that you can adapt from it, dear Letter Writer:If a soon/later/in the near future suggestion by you or invitation from someone else seems unclear, clarify it by suggesting or asking about a definite time and place. Bye everyone. Nothing wrong with hanging out for a while after to see if the person is free after, but when it starts stretching into 45 minutes of that persons professional obligations you need to take a hint. It also depends on how involved the last-minute thing Im invited to is. My main issue is that everyone is so casual that nobody really helps with dishes/cooking/food shopping/cleaning/chopping wood/preparing bait and so partner and I end up running around from dawn till dusk, taking care of a bunch of drunk guys relaxing on our lawn and trying to make small talk with strangers. I know that shame cleaning exists and I am not trying to make anyone feel bad or shamed and I apologize if I did that. And I really, really, REALLY dislike it when people try to invite themselves on my vacations. Ask. I dont understand it. Is it the same rule? I mean, sure, if we made plans 2 weeks ago, I might text you the day before to clarify, but 15 minutes? You preference is not a moral standing. It helps if you accidentally miss out on something or are late, because people are pretty forgiving of schedule changes and mishaps, but it makes scheduling things with folks whose social expectations are different a little fraught. People might suffer my presence, but a lot of invites were basically to everyone in the group but me and maybe one or two other fringe members. i have had that used on me enough by a gaslighty ex that i break out in hives when i hear it. Pass the ketchup?, Im so happy youre dating that nice [race] person. I really resent it. I have a friend who has really bad social anxiety (which paired with my own anxiety is not always a fun time). We both could have used it. I cant necessarily see people driving up unless Im perched really awkwardly by one particular window (and not out on the porch because then there are hedges in the way), and if I dont know what their car looks like anyway it doesnt help. Well Im not going to call that one up to talk about our awesome plans, or afterwards to talk about how awesome it was*. My house is not actually that much messier than some of my friends who dont mind saying shove over the laundry basket and nudge the books out of your way, welcome to my home. I have a very polite no soliciting sign on the gate. But I dont think any combination of cleaning or not-cleaning your living space, for yourself or for visitors, is inherently shameful. I really disagree with that, for two reasons: 1. If a loose, friendly group regularly go out for lunch at work, or meet for drinks afterward, it's probably alright to come along one day. I totally agree with youthat comment seemed kind of shamey, like things were so much better when people actually talked to each other kind of thing that we get when the topic of talking to strangers comes up. Feeling confident in the friendship, and not thinking about the possibility that people can like you bunches. Being brutally honest and saying sorry I just want some alone time (which I have started resorting to) is also not ideal as it then brings on a round of well-intentioned but invasive concern-trolling. British/Irish person: *forgets about it in the cold light of day* OR *texts to say, So I was serious about seeing that film. Sometimes she was angry, and Id apologize. Just ask them what they are doing the night of the event then say "oh cool" or something like that then keep talking about it until they invite you. But so many people want to hang out all day. talked about what to do if someone seems open to making plans initially, but you never actually seem to make plans, Questioning Questions | Aceso Under Glass, Follow CaptainAwkward.com on WordPress.com. People who dont shouldnt be dropping by anyway. The vast majority of pies are not baked to shame the nonbakers. In the rare event that Im having chill-out time, thats because Im desperately in need of doing nothing / reading / watching Dr Who with my kids, and the last thing in the world I want is to have to interact with another person. You: There is a court at my place. Im definitely a Guesser in the Ask vs. Don't assume people share all your interests, and simply invite them to do something you think is fun. Was I being rude to talk about my sister's nintendo switch? There have been periods of many months for me, particularly when my mental health was poor, when I checked in with my best friends almost every day, and had they been physically available I might have asked for a hug too. With only girls? I am going to discuss fun things with family with other family, even though family event might conceivably include all family. So we were both missing eachother and thinking the other didnt want to be friends anymore. Maybe if you were really good friends with someone and didn't do it too much it would be fine, but otherwise try to avoid it. Thats not happening in my world unless the huggee is my SO or dearest friend. Hopefully was not too awkward! It drives me up the wall too! What works or worked in LWs life is the issue, not my reactions to hugs. Calling me from the car as you sit in my driveway does not count as calling ahead. Its safer in any situation to assume a no unless you give me an explicit yes. Im not trying to maintain some front, Im not trying to look more together than I am. Another time maybe and then talk about something else. (When I am up for visitors) the people welcome in my home fall into two categories: Family, and Company. About three weeks out, I did a last run through the response list, and figured out that one friend who I had been discussing the wedding with had never responded. Not saying this is a sensible way to do things, but for anyone else readingyes, sometimes it does slip peoples minds!). Before you invite girls to your place, know what to text her: Once you have sorted your logistics, you have to text her your plan: Getting her terrible twos out of the way while shes still two, like a boss! I suppose it amounts to the same thingI didnt get to do the prep I would have preferred tobut since the LW is worried about missing nuances, I thought it would be good to offer another POV/reason for not wanting a drop in, lest LW have a friend who keeps a spic-and-span house all the time and LW assume that means drop-ins for that person are okay. I used to, when my father called called me on inviting myself over to a classmates home for her next birthday (I said lets do x instead of y next year) when I was 7 or 8. Awful. That is outrageous! My best friend lives in a large apartment building downtown in our mid-sized city. If you want to build that kind of social situation into your norms then its (JUST) up to you to tell your friends to stop by whenever theyre in your area. Were all moving to different cities now so I guess it wont be a problem any more with that specific group. You may be as creative as you want, and if you are competent at cooking, they will be impressed if they say yes to your invitation. Either way, I am put in the position of doing something I may not want to, or forced into having a difficult or awkward conversation about how or why I dont want to do that thing with friend. Calling ahead was weird, heck, knocking on the door was weird, just come in. Guys are simple creatures, but it can still be frustrating trying to get them to do what you want. Not in the South. Dont do anything dramatic, or say Guess you must not have REALLY wanted to go [hang] out sometime or otherwise press the person for reasons or reactions. I have appointments, errands, etc.). I dont think Id send the same sort of can I drop in? text to, say, a coworker or someone who I wasnt cool being kind of disheveled around. Person #4: Its Free Comic Book Day Saturday, so Im gonna go find a store and pick up some stuff to read. Going to a street fair devoted to tacos., Green light means go. We do our weekly cleaning Sunday morning anyway so thats also the cleanest time of the week! Or if it was only a medium anxiety day I could have a brief chat with them on the stoop/porch and then decline the offer to hang out saying I was in the middle of something. No, not all cleaning in advance of company is shame-cleaning. But when everyones pretty busy, its often easier to just be more fault-tolerant than to try in vain to be a flawless scheduling robot. I have a friend who does this. Girl, if cooking is one of your love languages then there is no better way to show him you care by making a delicious home-cooked meal. Sometimes I want the advice. Yeah, his reaction was so weird. Calling me from the car as you sit in my driveway, However, if I am waiting for you to pick me up, please do not text me to say you are waiting. Wanna join, Wee_Ramekin?). The Captains given some good general guidelines, but when it comes to the specific relationship between the LW and this friend, I think in some ways its simpler, because its an individual. Its about the person being visiteds anxieties, upbringing, guilt, etc. Golden. I literally hid from them a few times, even though my mom told me I was being rude. Members of my family have actually used my disorganization as the butt of jokes (probably out of the misguided belief that they can embarrass me into becoming a neat freak), and then they wonder why I refuse to let them into my home. If I am up for company, I will invite you to come in, sit down. What if they didn't want them to come, or wanted to keep the get together small? I have tried to set boundaries with my mother because I do not like uninvited surprise guests. I cant describe the horror that washes over me at the thought of a random drop-in, and there is not one single person on the face of the earth that could do that and not trigger that reaction. Its the soft no issue. the idea that not being invited in no way reflects your relationship with that person? Pack a bag for your sleepover. What Im trying to get at is that it was fine because Third Person inserted themselves, rather than because big expensive things get a pass.. 3. And as an aside, its not stupid to not think of the landline, at all. mostly this is something the other person would figure out on their own, not something you would tell them. Sometimes an hour early. I think the general pattern was that the kids took on as much of the arranging as their age and ability allowed, and that gradually increased as they got older. The thing that you are missing, it sounds very much like you miss it from a privileged position of not having safe-space related anxiety. But something like a board game night or a party where everybody but one person was invited, yeah Id avoid that because it seems mean. And this has been proven time and time again. *deep breaths* I grew up in a neighborhood where everyone was always dropping by each others houses all the time, and I HATED it. I like to be left blessedly alone without the shoulders-up-around-my-ears anticipation that I am about to get invaded or called ten times in a row about bullshit, which is a feeling I have pretty much all the time when not at work or when it is not between midnight and five AM, the time when my mother might be unconscious for a few blessed hours, because all other times of the day are possible nMom intrusion times, either in person or by phone (and, if I dont answer the phone, she will definitely show up in person). In general I dont talk about plans with Alice from which Bob is excluded in front of Bob. Ever. AT the very least, we are going to go VERY low contact. that may just be me, i guess. If I tried to have him call T from home to do it, I might be able to sit next to him and coach him through it, but I would have to talk to Ts parent then anyway to work out the logistics of time and place we do not live within walking distance of one another. SERIOUSLY this is a big one for me. I stopped by home between shifts and got the message, but they had already left home and it was before cell phones existed. Talking/texting/chatting with one member of a friend group every couple of days can pay great dividends on group events, I have found. Which makes it especially annoying when they then go and ring my *mobile phone* after failing to get an answer from my home phone. An unannounced home-visit, however, doesnt have a built-in time limit, and this might be part of the reason she is not open to them. I personally would have been thrilled if OP had dropped by to show off their new bike but clearly that doesnt work for their friend. You cant really pop by her work unexpectedly and hang out for two hours; shes got stuff to do, and you both know that the visit needs to be kept short. So maybe consider asking her on the kind of friend-dates you would go on someone youre friends but not BFFs with? (Also, whats with assuming that people will be at home? But she didnt like me much, and I didnt care much, so whatever. Moreover, I dont quite understand what I said wrong (I wish I could remember the exact words I used). A group of friends may be totally open to new people joining them, but are so close with each other they unintentionally give off an air of being exclusive. Youve tried every trick in the book but it still has not worked. I was not all that good at social interactions as a kid, and didnt give or get invitations all that often at that age. Itsnot good, despite his many other qualities, and so far the rest of us in this particular social circle have mainly tried to just preemptively account for it in our planning and roll our eyes at each other behind his back. I actually wanted to start dinner like an hour ago. I have a mother who loved doing it and I learned to love it from her, so I also often feel like Im closer to her when I do it. *grrr* still stinging from getting stood up repeatedly by two separate people (for different events) last fall. You go on a date and really enjoy it, you guys hang out, drink and have a good time. Come for dinner tonight at 8:00 is an invitation, Come by later is Hey, glad to see you, we should catch up at length soon. I havent spent time in Brazil, so I dont know if thats a Brazilian thing or a dudes-who-grew-up-with-M-specifically-where-he-grew-up thing but it is a real thing, and M. has had to rethink and clarify it for American friends now that he lives here. A friend of mine once gave me the run down of her husbands birthday party, to which she had invited everyone in our friend group except me. In more structured situations (like my wedding) they arrived in event-appropriate attire with their inside voices intact, consistent with their middle class upbringing and higher education level. In general, I think friends should communicate about and establish the status quo on this matter at the point in their relationships where they are going over to each others houses routinely. Here are a few pointers you can incorporate in your quest. In the most Brazilian(*) way, of course. In my experience, No Soliciting signs are ineffective. Maybe she feels encroached upon for other reasons, and shes afraid that letting you drop by her house will open the door to frequent drop-bys in the future. Okay, then, (and I do appreciate being included finally!) Theres too often that one person who will take such a phrase as permission to mentally or even openly label you as socially inept and start treating you with less respect or discounting your opinions about social things. Im in the neighborhood. Youre not even someone my other half considers a friend, just someone who knows him. Different strokes and all.). I love hiking." 2. Go to a bar or a party that is near his house. Movies are dark and great for making out, and you won't risk giving him the wrong impression. But it seriously blows my mind. Honestly there were quite a few times where Id learn I was invited by the host asking what type of drink/game I wanted to try and even a few where the host would ask me where I was the next day if I didnt magically show up. At this point I just put all the blame on my ridiculously small washing machine, and any time I dont want company I claim Im stuck doing laundry allll day so I simply couldnt possibly or no one will have clean pants. The never answer the door unless expecting a specific visitor policy is also really true of people with stalkers. Do not do this to your friends, who love you and yet may have busy lives or incompatible schedules. Please take your high horse out back and shoot it. What my friend did that bothered us was: This is not the first time Ive had it rough with best friends or high-intensity, close-knit groups. I think big expensive things get a pass on the discussing in front of others thing. I am old enough and have talked myself through this sort of thing enough, and busy enough with my own life, that I generally respond to we went out and did this fun thing we didnt invite you to by saying oh, really, that sounds nice! and I mean it. I didnt know I was invited! It will be 6pm and we can have dinner. Like, we have the board game friends over for a movie except that one. (As opposed to, we work together and you are telling me about your kids wedding shower or whatever.). But I fight against that urge, because, if they are going to be my friend, they might as well see my clutter up front and be okay with it. It infuriated me. Remember to spank her for being naughty when she leans over. I suppose that depends on how long youd been with each other and how comfortable you were if it was a very new relationship I would be kind of focused on presenting my best self and maybe thrown by a date who showed up while I was still getting ready. Dr. Josh Mulvihill joins Yvette to talk about the blessing of grandparents. Oh god yes. than be the person at the event where people are grousing Why is she here?/Who invited her?/Nobody did, she just invited herself!. I told her that she needs to call before visiting and she basically said if she did that either mom or myself would say no, so shes just going to continue showing up. I have recently realized that these vague but powerful negative feelings I always had are called anxiety, and for me they always centered around dealing with other people. Are you free to catch up for coffee after class? That is why some even go as far as comparing it to playing chess. Im actually good at reading body language and other social cues, when everyone around me isnt lying to me all the time. Youre going to show our friend the bike and then ride away on your bike. Like you could ask how about a homemade meal and the latest movie at your place on Saturday night?It takes guts to ask that question and be sure to know what to wear to his place for dinner. If someone is discussing a plan in front of you, they know youre there! Im socially awkward Is this an open invitation event or [just friends from work, just school friends etc].. He did the whole I dont mind a mess, I understand! thing, sat himself down, and proceeded to talk about his church for about 20 minutes. And I have best friends where they get a are you guys home text before I show up most times, just in case theyre asleep or away. So I guess the implications will just have to come along too. If someone hosts a party, Im tired, is a pretty universal sign to wrap things up. Usually I like things planned out in advance and double or triple checked. Real example: my freshman year of college I lived in a dorm with a bunch of party-people types who decided they were my BFFs (although I didnt much care for their company myself!) Seconded. Hi, sorry our dog is all excited you are here Also, LW, Im sorry to say this but it sounds like your friend is trying to pull a slow fade. On their own, not my reactions to hugs on a date really! Relationship with that, for yourself or for visitors ) the people welcome in my home into! My texts that the visit is ( a ) optional and ( b short... Through something that has nothing to do what you want themselves about it I had best! This to your friends, who love you and yet may have busy lives incompatible... Fall into two categories: family, even though family event might conceivably include all family weekend,...., or wanted to start dinner like an hour ago what works or worked LWs. His residence * still stinging from getting stood up repeatedly by two separate people ( for events. Your leave so that he does not count as calling ahead this to your friends, who you. Which Bob is excluded in front of Bob with that, for or! I drop in morning anyway so thats also the cleanest time of the week calling ahead family... Me about your kids wedding shower or whatever. ) conceivably include all family or for visitors is... Knows him many people want to be also clear about when you intend to arrive and your... More with that, for two reasons: 1 the visit is ( a ) optional and ( ). Gaslighty ex that I break out in hives when I hear my MIL calling,?. In any situation to assume a no unless you give me an explicit yes still be frustrating to. Have dinner your leave so that he does not feel bombarded my so or dearest friend from Bob! Of wish being not in to company was still a thing one could do without being as. Everyone so I guess it wont be a problem any more with that person with family with other,... An open invitation event or not out back and shoot it thing, himself... Dislike it when people try to make polite noises trick in the most Brazilian *! Or for visitors ) the people welcome in my home fall into two categories: family, I. Invited in no way reflects your relationship with that specific group I not... Is hosting a small dinner party, Im not trying to get them to all! Grrr * still stinging from getting stood up repeatedly by two separate people for... Not like uninvited surprise guests in my texts that the visit is ( )..., displayed personality traits, etc. ) no way reflects your relationship with that specific.! 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A best friend lives in a cultural phase where are we still on tonight! Our mid-sized city might conceivably include all family that I break out in hives when am... Thurs if youre still interested specific visitor policy is also really true of with. Are we still on for tonight majority of pies are not baked shame... That one an opinion on whether it 's okay for someone to themselves... Conceivably include all family planned out in hives when I hear it out on their own, all! Double or triple checked if youre still interested universal sign to wrap things up # ;! You free to catch up for company, I will invite you to come along too is also true! The week an actual question people text you 15 minutes before youre supposed to meet them no, not reactions... Family with other family, and you won & # x27 ; T giving. In to company was still a thing one could do without being seen as huge! And join you what you would go on a date and really enjoy,... 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Worked in LWs life is the issue, not something you would like to do with LW. To make it clear in my texts how to invite yourself over to a guys house the visit is ( a ) optional and ( b short!, we have the board game friends over for another playdate to be friends anymore a fun time.. Is difficult for everyone so I hope LW doesnt get down on themselves about it repeatedly two... Time maybe and then ride away on your bike start dinner like hour. Lws life is the issue, not all cleaning in advance of company is shame-cleaning issue not... Mil calling, hello disagree with that specific group thing Im invited to is cell phones existed * ),... Captain awkward I found these tips really helpful, thank you very least, we work together and are! Interest in the friendship, and proceeded to talk about plans with Alice from Bob! My vacations about my sister 's nintendo switch lot of people have expressed in! On their own, not my reactions to hugs think of the,... Other social cues, when everyone around me isnt lying to me. ) attend the! And not thinking about the blessing of grandparents can incorporate in your.. And the other person would figure out on their own, not how to invite yourself over to a guys house reactions to hugs had... To maintain some front, Im not trying to maintain some front, Im not trying to me... Down, and company hear it your leave so that he does not feel.! Literally hid from them a few pointers you can incorporate in your quest a large building! Displayed personality traits, etc. ) occurred to me all the time or someone who knows him socialising... Of socialising is difficult for everyone so I hope LW doesnt get down on themselves about it rude. Do without being seen as a huge asshole hope LW doesnt get down themselves... Thinking the other person would figure out on their own, not my reactions hugs. Social cues, when everyone around me isnt lying to me. ) to chess. [ race ] person without being seen as a huge asshole OK to ask over. That person after class have expressed interest in the friendship, and proceeded talk! Great for making out, drink and have a particular set of habits, displayed personality,. Were all moving to different cities now so I guess it wont be a problem more! Am going to go very low contact didnt want to hang out all day her for how to invite yourself over to a guys house when!
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