Moms, I need help. Did you like to play dress up when you were a kid? Do your friends think you have a unique style? Do you have advice or an “eye” for fashion? I need some help. I can’t seem to get away from jeans and a t-shirt, which technically would be cute, stylish and current, EXCEPT… that my belly hangs over, my pants, which tend to slip down from the lack of a gluteus maximus. I am not trying to be self-deprecating, it is simply fact. So, if you have that magic, I offer you this challenge. Help dress Angelica Hernandez.
It was this image, shot by the talented Mazzy J. that forced me to surrender, become vulnerable and ask for help.
The Daily Beast website tweeted a #MeToo photo illustration that accompanied a column about sexual assault and harassment. #MeToo has gone viral on social media. (The Daily Beast)
Out of the 100 or so messages of support for participating in the #metoo social media campaign, this is what I received in a message from a cousin’s ex-wife of about 25 years, I have not spoken to her or seen her in about that many years. (All text is verbateum, however, I removed the last name she included in the text.)
When the cycle of abuse creates victims that become perpetrators who is there to help heal their guilt and shame? Do you think that just because that unspeakable act occurred that these young boy perpetrators were not bullied by an older male sociopath relative to participate?? I do not know all your details just as you don’t know mine. Was there no other way to confront this issue without this public humiliation? Actually victor doesn’t even have Facebook so its just passing that guilt and shame onto the family when they see this. And honestly did you ever talk to Victor. Maybe he would be able to admit his wrongdoings at this time and apologize and maybe work with you towards a healing plan. A plan to break the cycle.
This is similar to Victimizing the victim. Just how you felt when people asked you why you let this continue to happen right? When ignorant people said “why didnt you tell your mother?” Or “why didnt you just say no and run away?”
I say this from my own wounded heart as you know some of the path I have endured as well. However I chose to not continuously be the victim. Many years ago I once again confronted my abuser straight on. I was expecting a denial just has he had denied for many years. But this day he actually apologized. He was sincere and extremely shameful. And I thought that would help me heal ….but it just felt hollow. Because I realized that my entire family had generation after generation of this cycle. I chose not to call out his siblings for not intervening. But it is out there. Not on Facebook because this is not the media I would ever chose to enhance a family healing plan. This is public knowledge in my family but not on social media.
If you truly wanted to help this cycle end you would realize that its far bigger than just being a victim. Generation after generation has ignored this shit. Its maddening. And I applaud your “in your face attitude” but this appears to be selective shame. I have never seen a post that publicly shames your own mother that let this abuse carry on And do not even begin to tell me that she didnt know. She knew. Because it happened to her I bet as well. If you want to believe that she didnt know then thats your choice but then why didnt she protect you. Why didnt the main people that should have been protecting us shield us from this harm??Dont you see?? The whole family needs to work towards the healing to break the cycle. This is shaming the entire family not Victor. Its hurtful but if you truly think that this heals you then so be it.”
There is no stereotypical predator. They don’t reveal themselves as different. In fact, they blend in with us all. They are moms, dads, coaches, priests, daycare workers, police officers and teachers. We would be naïve to believe that sexual predators are only male or that they belong to a certain class and or race.
A pedophilia does not discriminate by class, race, gender or age. There is no demarcation between “elite private school in Brentwood” and an inner-city public school. Sexual predators find ways to have access to children. They are often in a role of trust; we believe our children are safe at school, practice, band or church. This is clearly an assumption.
Should we have been talking about this before now? “Yes. “ We have to be proactive as parents and community members. We have to help our kids navigate a world that includes predation, online, live, in public and private spaces. There is no need to terrorize our children, but to believe they cannot handle the conversation is negligent on our part as parents. Our children are vulnerable. Help them notice when something does not seem or feel right. Remind them to stay attuned to their body. Make sure you as a parent are approachable. Tell them that there is nothing you can’t handle. Let them know that they can tell you anything. Repeat this over and over until they believe you.